Day 8 is about letting go. Letting go of harmful relationships, crooked thought patterns and things that hurt me.
One of the things I’ve learned in the program is just how codependent I am. I seek approval and love from people who have no business defining who I am. And because of my deep-rooted self-hatred, I seek it from people who never give it to me.
There is no reason for me to live life this way. I must let go of people, especially those who do not want a relationship with me.
I must embrace The End.
Goodbye. I loved you so much.
I want to buy some cocaine.
Today, I won’t do it. But it’s hard to say I will never buy it again. That might seem troubling to you, but to me that is the beauty of this 12-step program.
Just like yesterday, all I have to think about is today. This 24 hours, I’ve made a decision to not use. It’s a decision I always need to make in the present and for the present.
I must live in the present. I will no longer worry or obsess over the next few days, few weeks, months or years.
Today, I want to buy some cocaine.
Today, I won’t.
Just for today.
Just for today, I’ll allow myself to feel emotions. I’ll allow love, joy, peace, anger, sadness–everything one might feel during the course of 24 hours.
Just for today, I’ll stay sober. I won’t drink or do drugs. I won’t look at pornography. I won’t let myself be manic about any one thing. My mind is free to wander.
Just for today, I’ll accept me for who I am. The good. The bad. The in-between. I am a human being, and I have value.
Just for today, I’ll believe in tomorrow. I won’t obsess over tomorrow. Or yesterday. I’ll focus my mental efforts only on this 24 hours. But I will allow myself hope.
Just for today, I’ll let God be God. He knows my longings. He knows my hurts. May he do whatever he chooses in regards to these matters.
Just for today, I am sober.
Today I begin Step 4.
The first thing I am reflecting on are all the resentments I hold on to in my heart.
Why wouldn’t she love me?
Why didn’t she just see how much I loved her?
Why didn’t anyone believe me?
Why didn’t they listen?
Why did God send me there if he knew what would happen?
Why must I be the one to suffer over everything?
Why did God allow me to be sexually abused?
Emotionally and physically hurt?
HOW COULD GOD LET THEM HURT ME?
Naming these resentments (and more) will help me do the most important thing I will have ever done: Let these resentments go.
I begin Step 4 radically accepting myself as I am. I also begin with hope of a better me in the future.
Not all addicts are codependent, but I am. That is hard to admit, but not all addicts are a lot of things I am: bipolar, depressed, add…the list goes on.
I let these seemingly negative things define who I believe I am. I’ve always put other people’s feelings above my own because I have always felt I am worthless.
But God made me in his image. He made me important and special. He has told me this specifically. Such strange and wonderful words!
My recovery isn’t about other people. Not this time. Every other time I’ve quit using drugs and alcohol it was for other people. Never me.
I wasn’t worth it.
But God told me I am worth it. I believe him.
This time is for me.
One day at a time.
So simple, yet it is so hard.
The deepest desire of my heart has always been one good thing. The absence of this deep desire in my life is the only thing that has ever derailed me.
Am I strong because of this truth? Or weak because just this one thing keeps destroying me?
Either way, the only way I can face it is by taking it one day at a time.
The deepest desire of my heart remains unfulfilled and seems sure to remain so for my life. Just for today, I can accept it without doing drugs or drinking alcohol.
Springs Toledo told me once I was a fighter.
If that’s true, there have been twice in my life I wanted to quit being that fighter. I didn’t get my way and wanted my life to end because of it.
The first time it happened I was 18 years old. The second time was about three years ago. Both times I ended up in deep addiction cycles.
Meth. Cocaine. Anything. Everything. Just let me die.
The reason I wanted my life to end isn’t important to anyone but me, but both times I wanted it was for the exact same reason. I’m ashamed of myself for it.
I’d rather be the person Toledo saw. But life has to be lived one day at a time. I cannot do anything but ask myself this question each and every day.
Do I want to be a fighter?
Today, I said yes.