Day 17

Day 17 is about radical acceptance. I must radically accept what happened to me. I must see my life for what it has been. I was sexually abused as a child, neglected, abandoned and physically abused, and it led to some issues–too many to list.

As an adult, I feel perpetually rejected by almost everyone.

I accept all of it.

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Day 15

Over two weeks!

I have gotten through the toughest part of withdrawal–the physical cravings. I have attended at least one 12-step meeting everyday for 15 days. I have had struggles to remain clean, but I am clean.

My mind is a battlefield. My flesh says YES PLEASE DO DRUGS. But my spirit calmly reminds my body what happens every single time I use. I suffer, and other people do, too.

I will continue owning and managing my sobriety.

Day 14

Day 14 is about fellowship. I headed to an AA meeting that was all men. It was good to hear my brothers talk about the same struggles and same strategies. I heard people who had less time to me and up to 35 years.

AA is an amazing program full of incredible people who live life one day at a time.

Day Twelve

Day 12 is about the twelve steps. I meditate on their meaning in my life. I practice them, one step at a time, to ensure I am being mindful about my life. Being mindful is being wise. The wise mind accepts both the rational and emotional. It does not swing either way too far.

When I find myself swinging one way or the another, I must focus myself on being wise. Being wise means I don’t always have to be right or wrong. I don’t need to judge others. I can accept dialectic behaviors and still love.

The 12 steps help me do that, as does the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Day Eleven

Day 11 is about change.

Change is hard, but I must make myself into a new creation. God has done his part. He has told me secrets that only I would need to hear. He has given my life purpose beyond my wildest dreams. He has promised me something very special.

But God making me a new creation and me participating are two separate things. I must let go of the old ways and participate in practicing the new ways. It won’t all come at once. I must allow myself little failures so I can ultimately achieve the big win.

A better me.

Day Ten

Day 10 was bad. I didn’t even write my post for the day.

No, I didn’t relapse. But I started thinking about it. I started planning it. I made the plan but didn’t execute it.

Yesterday was Sunday, so I went to mass. There I found a God who had given himself up for the Truth. If I am to follow him, I must give myself up, too.

Yesterday wasn’t what I wanted it to be, but it was a good day still because I didn’t use drugs.

Day Nine

Letting go can be hard, but it’s oh so necessary to my survival. Letting go of people is the hardest for me, but for me cocaine and meth are almost like people. With them, though, at least I pretty much know what I’m getting every time. And unlike people, they hardly ever let me down.

I mean, except that they destroy my life. But for me, someone already borderline suicidal, that wasn’t that bad of a tradeoff.

Still, I know my survival is important, and to more people than just me. So I let go of these harmful, addictive things to live life on life’s terms. For me, first, but for others, too.

Today, I had so many cravings all day, particularly for cocaine. But I didn’t use.

One day at a time.